To President Plump on the occasion of his second inauguration

Warning: This letter includes sexist language, but keep in mind that I am trying to communicate with Mr. Clump at his own level.

Dear Sir*,

I know you like to speak in superlatives, especially about yourself and your accomplishments. It must be difficult overcoming the knowledge that you're pretty much a loser. Of course, I have to be fair and note that you have won two out of the three elections you've been in. Two out of three. Only you could get superlatives out of an imperfect record.

Let's talk about election number one: You won the 2016 election against Hillary Clinton, a candidate even many Democrats don't like very much. You lost the popular vote, but I have to admit that, according to America's wackadoodle election rules, you won fair and square.

In election number two, you lost to a candidate called Sleepy Joe. (If you didn't want to lose to Sleepy Joe, you shouldn't have given him that nickname. Losing to Sleepy Joe looks bad, don't you think?) It hurt you so bad losing that election (any election loss goes against the mythology you've created about yourself being the best at everything in the world), that you denied losing and launched a coup attempt that was unsuccessful. I mean, congrats on the poop offensive in the House of Representatives.

In election number three, hallelujah! You finally won the popular vote! Yee haw! But you didn't win it in any superlative-generating way. There being more than two candidates in the race, you didn't even get 50% of the vote. But I suppose that, in your mind, you won in a landslide. Otherwise, I don't suppose you could be as happy as you want to be.

OK, now here's the interesting part, Two out of three elections won, more or less. One loss to Sleepy Joe. Now, we know that you are the best at everything you try, so two out of three isn't that good. And really, how can you feel that good about the two wins? After all, you won against girls. That wouldn't get you much praise on the playground.

Congratulations!

Your friend, Monty

* p.s., I called you Sir because I know you always say people you talk to call you Sir, and I don't like to add unnecessarily to your lie count.

p.g.